It sounds almost idyllic, doesn’t it. Like a lovely Asian Garden where people meditate in peace. Yeah well, screw all that: the lotus lock is in fact an extremely painful hold. True story: it was summer and my former Girlfriend and I were sunbathing in the park. I can’t remember what I said, but it must have been something cheeky, because seconds later She was sitting on my back, holding me in a lotus lock. I didn’t ask for mercy, I screamed on top of my lungs. I’m sure everyone within a 25 mile radius heard me. Because I was genuinely scared She would dislocate my arms without realising it. Thankfully She loosened Her grip a bit and laughed: “Quite comfortable, isn’t it?” HELL NO!! “Yes, yes,” I whimpered. She kept me in this agonising position for half an hour, forcing me to beg, graze like a cow and She even “persuaded” me to sing a song. Which turned out to be far more effective than any rain dance, by the way. How She loved to be in pole position! God knows why I didn’t ask Her to marry me there and then.
I mean look at Her. Young, petit…and yet She puts all these guys to sleep. Big, small, long, tall: She takes them all. Well, I’m not buying it, that’s for sure. I mean, I may be a moron, but I’m not an idiot. It’s probably a new episode of Just For Laughs and soon we’ll all look like gullible idiots on national television. Damned silly if you ask me. There’s only one way to deal with this kinda nonsense and that’s to call Her bluff. And there I am, in front of all these people, sitting on a chair with the Girl right behind me. She’s quite an actress, I give Her that. Surely She knows the game is up, and yet She puts Her arm around my throat as if I’m a trusted accomplice. She wants to die with Her boots on, I guess, although She’s wearing sneakers. And then – all of sudden – the choke is on. Her grip is immensely powerful and I’m desperately struggling for oxygen. Her grip tightens and my head is about to explode. I..I..can’t..brea..the..I..ca..n’t…zzzzzz