1. Jacco

    I feel like I’m always ready. Prepared to plummet, as you say, lemming like at a second’s notice. I think the ‘scraps’ we’ve discussed previously are to be cherished whatever one’s relationship status, these magical moments that ignite the imagination, piquant gifts that suddenly throw you into the zone when you least expect it.

    Take yesterday for example. I was plodding up the main road to work. In front were two young women. White, one with dark hair tied back, a short blue denim skirt & black tights. Her friend had straight, highlighted hair and black, slightly shiny jeans. The latter in particular was walking with a swagger, as if she owned the pavement. As we neared each other she fixed her eyes on me, & not the momentary glance that pedestrians do sometimes, nor a smile before looking away. But a prolonged stare. No smile. Not friendly, I wouldn’t say. Wide eyed (but not as in innocent ‘wide-eyed’) but confrontational starring.

    I wilted & broke the eye contact. When I glanced back she was whispering something in her friend’s ear. I looked back a few times expecting maybe a dirty look or an abusive comment, but they never looked back.

    Now, you might think, she was only looking at me cause I was looking at her, but I can’t say I generally experience this, I suppose I may have been watching her particularly closely because of the cocky, swaggery way she was walking. I got the impression she was in a confrontational mood.

    But what’s odd is that two minutes later I got starred at by an attractive middle eastern woman. (I don’t generally get ‘checked out’ left, right & centre!)

    I checked my reflection in a window in case I had something stuck on my face or something that may be attracting this attention, but nothing!

    And I’m not a person who goes round thinking I’m being gawped at all the time, I have to be pretty certain that I am being starred at. So it catches me off guard!

    Aside from finding the self-conscious discomfort at somewhat sneering stares exciting, it also intrigues me. What IS going through the mind of Ms. Starrer? And why does it happen on a particular day? How much am I attracting it? Is it my facial expression?

    I can’t know what is going through the mind of the lady as she fixes her steely, sarcastic gaze on me. I don’t know what I’ve done in such situations to invite her seemingly unprovoked distain.

    What I do know is what is going on in MY internal world.

    And that is that although I may look to most people to be a respectable enough man walking down the street in a sensible coat, underneath the fairly dignified exterior is a naked, writhing soul, Always Ready. Just waiting to find himself cut down in an instant, some brazen girl, maybe she wants to show off, maybe she’s in a petulant mood. But all she has to do is shoot me that look, and the naked, writhing inner self that is me is ready to assume the position of spit bucket, doormat, snot rag, punchbag, toilet paper…

    Just give me the sign, dear lady, & I will writhe naked at your feet in the middle of the drizzly street. If only mentally, if that’s what’s offered!

    • Thank you so much for a suburb – and oh so recognisable – comment! Beautiful.
      Mist ion the time I’m quite invisible to Women; they don’t look at me, they look through me.

      But every now and then I’m like a magnet of some sorts and Women stare at me with curiosity (I like to think with contempt, but that’s wishful thinking).
      And you’re absolutely right: it always happens on a particulate day.
      They ignored me yesterday, and they will tomorrow, but there’s something about me today.
      God knows why, but I’m in the spotlights all of sudden.

      It’s a lovely feeling, no doubt about that, but confusing at the same time.
      Does my aura have a field day? Is there something in my eyes or smile that makes them look at me in a different way?
      Or does it have nothing to do with me?
      Is it the Women who’ve collectively decided to look at me in a different way?
      If so: it’s short-lived, tomorrow I’m a nobody again.
      Magical Mystery Moments!

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